The Story of Boy Part 1

I have permission to tell his story. It took a year and it took us coming to the understanding that while he wants to forget it, his mom can’t. Because it isn’t just Boy’s story. It is his family’s story. A beautiful and funny family who are far from perfect and who are struggling intensely while managing to keep their heads above water …

Until they no longer could and they crashed into an abyss.

I asked the oldest sibling if he minded if I told their story because even though it is Boy’s it is also his … He appreciates I considered his feelings, since many forget it is his story too. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to forget and move on. I get that, but sometimes the story needs to be told for everyone to be able to move on. He grudgingly understands some can’t heal until they can tell their part. I respect his side won’t be told until he is ready. We have an understanding.

So what is this story?

It is the story of a boy unlike any other. A boy who is a super hero, his greatest strength also being his greatest weakness. That is his story … His strength becoming his weakness.

Boy was born on a cold winter day and with the great capacity to feel far more deeply than most humans. This may not seem like much, but don’t underestimate the power of feelings.

Boy’s empathy is so great that even as a tiny toddler he would cry and ask his mom to save all the orphans. Heartwrenching sobs for vague humans he never even saw a picture of, but knew existed.

Boy has struggles in life; his world is black & white but the real world is full of grey. He doesn’t understand grey, but he feels it into his bones and because of that he struggles. He is a warrior and his mother is his guide.

It is this deep empathy though that also created Boy’s biggest struggle because his feelings and emotions manifested so deeply into him that he would personalize it and own it in his soul. And there began the struggle …

You cannot speak words into Boy without his heart and soul immediately claiming them as truth. This means that as a child he was funny, loving, energetic, smart, and all the beautiful words parents tell their children. This also means that as Boy got older he clutched onto the words of others including stupid, slow, annoying, trouble, liar, gay …. words that weren’t true, but he owned them as his because in his black & white world why would anyone tell him things that are untrue?

The worst were the words from trusted adults. Yes. Adults. Adults whose only job was to love him and show him Christ’s love. The task they had wasn’t hard, yet they met him with judgement, unkindness, and even disgust. They believe so deeply in the lie of complete conformity that they were unwilling to see the beauty of differences. So instead of helping him blossom they crushed him over a period of months until he exploded.

During this time Mom saw and tried to make it better. She tried to get the adults to see. She tried to create positive change. What she missed was the internal struggle in Boy was terrible, like gnashing teeth against his soul. He became irritable, irrational, and even mean.

His brain finally told him “The world is better off without you.” And in that moment he walked upstairs, closed his door, and tightened a belt around his throat and pulled until he collapsed on his floor.

His mom was sitting at her desk. Something in the air was off. She could feel it. The aura of the house was different. Her heart was pounding and she didn’t know why. She got up and walked straight into Boy’s room, hitting his head with the door as she opened it because she didn’t know he was laying there. She remembers she felt terrible for opening the door on him. “Oh my gosh, Boy! Why are you on the floor? Are you ok?” And she grabbed his shoulder and turned him over and saw the belt.

And she screamed.

She screamed and screamed and screamed and her fingers fumbled horribly with the belt until she got it off.

He had a pulse still. Faint. But it was there.

And the oldest was next to her and she was screaming and he was pushing his sisters down the stairs so they wouldn’t see.

I won’t tell anymore of his story since he wants to forget it. I respect that. But know he was there. He saw it all. It hasn’t been an easy year for him. His story is his to tell if he ever decides he needs to and not for you to ask him about, but know he was there and he saw it all.

There were so many police and she just kept apologizing. She failed. She failed at protecting her family. She failed as a mom. She kept saying “I am so sorry.” Her husband came home from work and the ambulance took him and Boy away. And she apologized. “I am sorry we inconvenienced you. Yes the rest of the kids are safe. No we have never had a problem like this before. Yes we will get help. I am so sorry.”

She made her way to the hospital. She knows the roads well enough that she can’t remember how she got there, but she did …. And she apologized to the desk worker for not knowing where her son was and to the nurses who took care of Boy and to whom ever would listen to her pleading voice asking to be forgiven for failing.

Boy survived. He got help (that continues even now) and some days are still rough, but he is a warrior.

Mom … well, some days we still wonder how her story will end …

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Morning Madness

It is not even 8:30 and I need a do-over. I am trying to get the kids ready for their yearly physicals and it is sleeting and snowing at the same time. Really? Well, OK Mother Nature must be in quite the mood. I have 4 wheel drive though so I will manage.

Well, maybe not. Bug just dumped the pancake mix all over the counter, and between the counter and fridge. Princess spilled the coconut milk on the table. Zen decided he is a big boy and can pour his own cereal. The entire 32 ounce box into a baby bowl and the bowl was on the floor. It is a race between me and Sunny Day on who can get to the cereal first. I win, thank goodness, and she gets put away so we can clean. I sit on the floor and start picking up the cereal and Bug trips and dumps his dustpan of pancake mix and crumbs onto my head. I had already showered.

So I walked away. Sometimes we just need to. Sometimes we need to step back and breathe; in my case I write.

It will be OK. My kids are amazing and funny and do not usually dump things on my head. It could be worse. I know this way too well. So, I will breathe and move forward.

~Andrea

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Gingerbread Train

In an effort to make memories many families make gingerbread houses for the holiday season. I saved up and opted for a train. I also opted for a pre-packaged kit because, even though we can’t eat it, it is cheaper than trying to make a gluten-free version that might not even work.

I brilliantly opted to set up the train station (hee hee, see what I did there) while Zen napped. He usually naps, at the very least, an hour but usually 2-3 hours. My plan was perfect.

The kids and I set out. I squirted out the Royal Icing and the kids built the train. We started decorating and the train was turning into a masterful work of art. Our hands were sticky with sugar and we were laughing and suddenly Zen was in the kitchen with us. No one heard him wake up. No one heard him make his way over to us. He is stealth-like. Next thing we know his hands are grabbing all the candies faster than we could say “Stop eating our gingerbread train!”

Our peaceful decorating turned into a crazy scene of “Fast! We need to finish this before he eats it all!” Between squirting frosting, flying shreds of coconut, and candy being pried from chubby baby hands we finished the train….mostly. It sure isn’t pretty any more. It is wilty and a bit sad, but it was fun and we laughed a lot. Score 1 for memory making!

Sure Zen made the moment crazy, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. He made us laugh a lot. He got to be a part of the process. It is OK he pulled wheels off and took the roof off and made the train tip over. We all had a fantastic time and that is really the point.

Merry Christmas!

It may not be pretty, but it was lots of fun!

It may not be pretty, but it was lots of fun!

“Houston, We Have a Toddler”

We realized that on a daily basis we are saying some pretty funny things. Zen is definitely an active toddler. He is full of joy and life and loves to be chased. One day, after a very funny “He’s a rainbow again!” My kids and I sat down and wrote out everything said in a day’s time. That’s right, this is all just one day. This is not a complaint at all. We love our toddler and his antics, even when Momma gets frustrated and tired. This is a small season and this post will be a treasured memory for us. I hope you enjoy it.

Off the table, Buddy!

Who left the markers out where the baby could get them! He looks like a rainbow!

Stop eating playdoh!

Don’t pull the dog’s tail!

Can someone help me pick up all this Kleenex. The baby tore the box apart.

Why are there stickers all over the baby’s face?

Off the table you go!

What on earth is in your mouth now?

Where did you get that stamp? Guys, we can’t have stamps out when the baby is awake!

Who forgot to put the baby lock back on the cabinet in the kitchen?

Why is there a pan randomly in the middle of the stairs?

Seriously! Get off the table!

Oh no! He got into my desk and has all the Post-its!

Quick! Close your bedroom door before the baby gets your legos!

Sigh. The baby got to your legos.

The toilet plunger is NOT a toy.

Why are you on the table again?

Please take a nap. Please take a nap. PLEASE, just take a nap!

I’m gonna get you! (squeals of laughter)

Time to change you diaper. No, wait! Get back here!

Stop eating our Gingerbread Train!

What do y’all not understand about keeping markers away from the baby!

Stop giving your food to the dog!

He’s on the table again.

Why on earth are you carrying the trash can around?

Toilet water is not for playing in.

How did you get that orange? Let me peel it for you. Ew! Come on! Please let me peel it.

Don’t pull on the Christmas tree!

I found another ornament in some random place.

Why are you pushing the chair around?

Naked baby on the loose!

Leave Daddy’s glasses alone.

Table. Off.

Don’t put that in your ear.

Get off the dog.

Mommy’s phone is not a toy.

How did you manage to unbuckle the stroller belt?

We don’t throw our food on the floor.

Mom! He’s on the table!

Well, get him off the table then!

But he’s screaming.

Fine. I give up. Stay on the table, just don’t fall.

Um....not sure why he is on his head, but we will just go with it.

Um….not sure why he is on his head, but we will just go with it.

Happy Valentine’s Day Mama!!

I woke up to the kids making Valentine breakfast. So sweet!

Now before you get jealous and filled with the urge to punch me because I live such a lovely life with amazingly considerate children get the pretty image out of your head and instead insert this:

C-Dog yelling at Elf “You can’t help! You are ALLERGIC!!!”
Elf crying hysterically “But I helped with Mother’s Day! I want to help! Let me help! (pause) Daaaaaaaadddddyyyyyy!”
The kitchen counter tops had mysteriously disappeared under everything imaginable. Bug was crying because no one gave him a Valentine (they made Valentine’s and put them under each other’s pillows). This wasn’t exactly true but we like to jump to assumptions in this house and over-react before realizing we are wrong. Sigh…

Best of all was the coffee grounds. They were EVERYWHERE! C-Dog forgot the filter and grounds for a 10-cup pot were everywhere; the side of the fridge, cabinets, counter, floor, the water well of the coffee maker…..  
It all ended with cayenne pepper in poor C-Dog’s eyes. Can you say ouch! I am still not sure how I managed to keep my cool.
I very calmly cleaned the coffee grounds and water and gently showed C-Dog the correct way to make coffee. I helped crack all the eggs for the omelets he wanted to make….I put in a lot of effort considering it was supposed to be a gift for me. Mark whispered into my ear “You are such a good Mama.” Melt my heart.
Mark helped get the burning pepper out of C-Dog’s eyes. In the end everyone was happy. Elf got to pour the OJ, which went all over the freshly wiped counters (sigh). Bug got his Valentine. We got our breakfast. 
It was so hectic I can’t even remember what Princess and Zen were doing! 

Of course it is also snowing…thanks for the slap in the face Mother Nature. I am thinking she needs some Rescue Remedy. Meh.

I hope your Valentine’s Day started smoother than mine. Enjoy your day. I leave you with this gentle reminder from my wise godmother whom I adore.
“I so miss my babies. Believe me- ENJOY every moment. I wish more people told me to stop and treasure it, I did and we have so many wonderful memories and traditions. When they are all waking up not under your roof for more than 1 night, you will look back and tear up as well!” ~RD

Her girls, my cousins, are in college. I babysat them! I can’t imagine the time when my kids will not be sleeping under my roof every night, but it is going to happen and it will be here before I realize it. I am going to take today and treasure it even if it wasn’t the picture perfect Valentine’s Day. Below are some pictures from today….this was AFTER I cleaned a bit! Image
Counter? What counter?

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Mmmmm! Burnt egg on the stove! 
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They left the table for me to clean. I love them, I really do!