In 7 days I close the doors on this abode and walk away forever. I have no clue where I am going. Mark is in MO, but still has yet to find us a home. In 11 days I have one last dentist appointment for Princess that we simply cannot miss so even though I am closing the door here I cannot close the door on IN. I am not sure where I will be staying. There is a weird limbo-state that I will be in and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.
Let me start at the beginning…
Last fall we searched high and low for a place to live as we had to be out of the place we were at. The place we were at came with the job my husband no longer had. Finally we took a (new) friend up on an offer. The church he attended had a piece of property they were going to be building on, but on that property sat an empty house. That house was to become a temporary shelter for us. We moved in in January and each month passed with little progress to our situation. Each month they would ask us what our plans were and we would beg for more time. Finally we had until May 31. We told them no matter what Mark was going to head to MO and try to establish life there for us. Then, that week, Mark got a job in MO! Hope broke through and I could see glimmers of optimism abound! We were able to tell them Mark would leave in 2 weeks time and I would stay through May in order to wrap things up and then follow him.
We were optimistic that finding a place to live would be no problem. There is an abundance of places in the area we are looking. However there is also an abundance of roadblocks. Many landlords are hesitant to rent a 3 bedroom to us because of how many kids we have. Although I would love a 4 bedroom that is simply out of budget for us. There is no legal reason for them to deny us, but who wants to pressure a potential landlord into allowing something they are not comfortable with? It really doesn’t start the relationship off well. Then there is the issue of Sunny Day. Not everyone accepts dogs. The biggest issue is rent though. We are on a budget and so all those pages of rentals gets whittled away to half a page of places we can actually afford. At the end of that day the list is left with nothing on it.
Mark has looked at dozens of places and called three times that. Nothing.
So here I sit, 7 days away from having to be out of this home, and I have no where to go. The kids know this but don’t realize the impending crisis. They just think “Oh we have time and something will be found.” I will let them continue to think that. I will not let them know that I can’t kick this cold that is racking my body because I can’t get the sleep my body needs because I stay up all night long praying and scouring the internet for options. The anxiety fights off the sleep I so desperately want.
I won’t tell them my faith is wavering for the first time since we were told we were moving to IN. I won’t tell them I am finally ready to give up and crawl into a hole and simply feel sorry for myself. Perhaps I feel this way because I have had no real adult interaction in the weeks since Mark has left. Sure I have seen a few people here and there, but I have not had a real solid interaction. I have not been able to talk with a friend and have them hug me. I have had no relief and no help. Of course I realize there are thousands of people in far worse situations than myself and then I am filled with guilt over my selfishness. So I pick myself up. I bury how I feel and I let it fester as I trudge onward.
In 7 days I need a plan. Maybe I should just forget about Princess’ dentist appointment, but that still doesn’t give us a place to stay. It does take away one stress though. Of course it adds another because this dental work needs to be done and when we leave IN we give up having insurance. I guess that is actually 2 stresses. Sigh.
I have looked at vacation rentals and hotel rooms and almost passed out for the prices of those options. I looked at renting a motor home. Again, heart-attack inducing price quotes. I could stay with my parents for a spell, but honestly I just want to get to MO and be with Mark. Besides I need to stay with them at the end of June (I should probably tell Dad this) and I do not want to overstay my welcome.
That leaves living in a tent. However if we stayed at a campground what would we do with the dog? I can’t leave her there when I do things like buy food. I also can’t just leave her in the car when we are out and about. So I guess tenting it isn’t really an option after all.
7 days….Does God always give us better? He has a proven track record with us (something I want to write about soon), but now I am feeling like He is distant. Maybe it is I who is distant. Or maybe I just had too many positive interventions. Maybe I have been provided for one too many times and now I need to feel what it is like to not have that divine intercession.
I know those who do not believe in God are probably mocking me right now. That is fine. Everyone is entitled to what they believe and even though I am in a slight crisis of faith, I still believe in God.
7 days…..7 days and I close the door on the home that never was.